WHY whys?

Sometimes I wonder why, Why did I say this? or why did I do that?

Well when will the whys stop? When Will Everything just be enough for me?
I having a wonderful family.. they are great. Plus I have the worlds most amazing boyfriend. But sometimes I wonder when will it all be enough for me?

i have so many thoughts going thru my head that Its crazy in here. Thoughts about everything, Life, Death, Being alone. Or even if I really am going crazy or not. Sometimes I stay up for days because I can't sleep with everything going on in my head. All about the whys. Like: Gosh why did i say that? I knew it was going to hurt her. Or why did I even open my mouth at all? Kassie your a bitch shut up already, your only digging yourself a greater hole in life.

I sometimes hate that I'm hard to understand when trying to get my point across. I say one thing and mean something WAY different. I put myself in to these situations having no outcome that will be good. Its easier for me to push others away. because I'm not good enough, I'm all sorts of messed up. When you have suicidal thoughts, but you know for a fact you would never be able to go thru it. When think them in the first place then?

Because somehow the life I've made up in my head is by far better then my reality. In my head, I'm perfect in a sense, and yes before you go on about there is no such thing as perfect let me explain what I mean.

I'm not saying I'M perfect, I'm saying the outcomes would be easier. The world in my head is easier to understand and to be in then the one I deal with always. I have CMT and psoriasis. So not only to I walk like a penguin, I'm also spotted.

I don't even find myself to be good enough. I fall in love way to easy and mess my life up, And what do I always come back to.....WHY??

In my own way I've come to terms with myself. But I still have doubts of others including my own family. I'm not saying it to be mean, but what if i was normal-er. Would things be different would I have turned out different,m actually giving them something to be proud of? WHY can't this be so?

There is nothing that is ever good enough for me, So I wonder why all the time...
Why not this, and Why not that. Why can't my head calm down enough for me to have a day to myself.. Why can't it calm down enough for me to get any sleep at night..

People always ask why I'm different, I tell them I don't know all the time. Its not the fact that I don't wish to discuss its that They would never understand if I tried to tell them, They know nothing of what I'm talking about..

Hating my body.

I looked in the bathroom mirror today with disgust. Every part of me is so fat. I hate my body. but hating it so much makes it worse. Ive tried losing weight, but I can't idk what it is. I'm addicted to food and to using it as a cover up for me hating my life. I hate shopping for clothes, not only so I walk funny but Im also fat. I dont know how anyone could love me... Im so gross. I try not to eat but I cant help myself. I loved being thin in high school... loved it. But now I hate my body. I waddle and my pants and shirts are huge so they wont sink in to every crease and lump I have. why did god choose me to have this life, everything is wrong with me. Why cant i be Barbie with the killer body all the guys want. Instead i get made fun of and felt bad for so guys fuck me and then leave. life nothing ever happened. im worthless..

EX:

EX's.....


That word is in every man/womans vocabulary across the world. EX: Although only two letters, it can cut you deeper then when cutting an apple and missing it and slicing your finger off. The worse part is when you think your over them and it comes back and slaps you in the face like the ocean on the beach. Slowly taking sand back with it to forever stay at the bottom on the ocean floor. All the sudden you see your EX, and a rush of feelings take over your body, and the police wonder why people kill their ex's... Think about it Mr. Police Officer. Gosh the worse part is your EX does not care how your feeling, no instead they stay where they are and pretend like everything is fine. Hmmmm... I wonder if my EX was thinking that as he was screwing another girl, whom was named after a car may I add. Did he think how it was going to affect me in any way?? No, although he did say the "cheating" started by talking about me.. I don't know if I should feel good or bad about that. The thought of him actually thinking about me was pleasant, until, he added then we "just started kissing and then it just happened" How does something like that happen?? It is not like flicking on a light or tying your shoe... Oh no something like this is choose to act on. There comes a time to any normal human when temptations come in to play, you either cave in or you turn away.

So whats harder? Not feeling anything or feeling to much?? Well lets look in to them shall we?


Not Feeling Anything: Why should you the other person did wrong.. Well honestly that is the dumbest saying ever. One person does not mess everything up no matter what you may think. just like everything else in the life it takes to tango.. Take my EX, Joe. And yes that is his name.. Joe and I had a very unreal relationship.. Which in the end he cheated on me with a car ( read above if your only skimming thru . But lets look back a couple of months before hand, Not saying it was all my fault but i had a part in it. Earlier in the year I had a miscarriage, In which I did not tell Joe about until I had actually lost the baby. I did nothing to harm the baby at all for all of you thinking I did. My body just like other women out there had rejected the baby. I became very outside myself. by that I mean, I crawled in to a very low low low hole and did not come out. I only trusted myself and I was mad at everyone but mainly God. I did not understand how anyone could do that to me. Well me being like this caused tension on the relationship. I became a different person, I was mad at everyone, and Joe was in the fire zone, we fought all the time I annoyed him all the time. No saying what Joe did was an excuse, because by far I could have shot him right there :). But my actions played a part.


What if you feel To MUCH: Well honey your human. You need to find a balance in your life. For me I looked to GOD. I looked to my friends and family. But mainly God, Because no matter what I said to him in my very slowest moments, he was always there arms wide open to hold me and love me while I cried like pouring rain. Balance is key to a happy life..


" EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON "

Live by it and embrace it. Because no Matter what your EX was or did your better then that. You moved on your wanted to at the time or not. Don't let another being take over your life, love for you. If you want that extra scoop of ice-cream then eat it. If you want to cut your flipping hair then do it, its yours! And I promise it will grow back sometime. So don't let the word EX consume you, even when you see him/ or her with someone new and your body gets rushed with so many emotions you just wanna break down and cry. Well don't look up and thank God for letting you move on from the loser, it takes time but is worth it in the end.


peace&love2all
penguin

Im not sure why the little things are the worse to hear,

I really don't understand people or life. Or god really. They say god has a path for you, Well i would really enjoy knowing why he choose the path he did. now overall I think Im a good person. Im caring, understanding and thoughtful of others. Im always helping people out even when my brain tells me not to. But I also have my flaws. Im bossy, to blunt, and at times very OCD about things. But I'm me not perfect but me overall. And with knowing my past... I wonder why he choose what my path would turn out to be. By far my childhood was not perfect, and well my teens years were awkward until I found some friends and joined the so-called "popular group". A bunch of "country" kids who hung out by the door but hey they sat together at lunch.So I then started college, hell more like it. I'm not stupid but college is for some people and working full time with no vacation are for others. Well I was more of the I was so spoiled that i got my first actual job when i was like 20, other then that mommy daddy, and auntie payed for everything. not that i'm proud of this at all, but it goes with my story. So after i started working i payed for everything then, anything i wanted plus putting a brand new transmission in my dads truck and helping pay things while paying my own bills. Well after i started working i also discovered boys, haha. Let me tell you was i ever a wild child my first year of college, there were nights where i did not sleep for two or three days, staying out all nights sleeping all day drinking all the time. Life was hell, I stopped working and was so very lazy. I did nothing but spend money and flirt with guys. And did I ever use guys. Ive had so many boyfriends that i even lose count. Really how stupid could one person be???.... But Karma soon caught up. when I got into my first serious relationship was awful it was to this kid named Joe, and Joe was in the Navy. i think i was more into being a navy girlfriend, then actually caring what he had to say most the time. and when i actually started caring then it was to late, so we again broke up. But then I met Scotty soules. talk about the biggest waste of time of my life. Scotty should go to hell. yeah i know i know i sounds mean, but after Scotty and i got engaged it started. First he would rape me and then convince me it was my fault. like i brought it upon myself because i made him do it because i would not have sex. But when he started hitting me i thought it was over, but no instead i stayed, and let him keep doing whatever he wanted to me. i gained over 50 pounds just so when he hit me it would not hurt as bad, but he would only do it on my stomach and legs where no one would see unless they striped me down naked. finally i came home and had enough support to send him home and never to talk to him again. he used to cheat on me all the time, like i did not give up enough, talk about being someones dog. So I then got back together with Joe for the 2nd time. and this time was better he helped me get thru what Scotty did. But then in February I found out i was pregnant with Joe's baby. You know for being so in love with Joe i could not even tell him I was pregnant with his baby. Nope instead I waited...waited...and waited some more and right before i was about to tell him, I ended up rushing to the ER because I was having a miscarriage. Yup once again GOD had a plan and instead of just embracing him i blamed him instead. But he was still there. Joe and i ended up breaking up 2 months later.I kinda killed it on dating for a bit, but then i found Ryan, and boy was I ever happy. Ryan was one of a kind, he was smart, and funny. Loved everything about me. WE did so many new things together, Ryan was a wonderful person and i'm still good friends with him.While i was hanging with Ryan one weekend, i woke up to a voice mail from Joe my ex. it was saying that he had cheated on me with this skinny Asian chick and could no longer live with himself. So I simply asked why... I don't know who the idiot was that came up with the word why but it gets me in a lot of trouble. But anyways i just had to know why he did it. Well Joe and I were fighting A LOT. And apparently he went over to talk to this friend about his and I relationship and somehow ended up fucking on her bed. Well poor you honey because he sucks in bed!!! That was the very first time in my life that I called my very best friend Nicki crying, about how Joe broke my heart yet again!! i have never been that hurt in my entire life, I'm still hurt by it and yet i think I will always love him. Some path you have for me god. Brokenhearted I can get but why like that?? What did I do to deserve that? But somehow i tend to pick losers and through it all I still wanted to be with him, instead when we talked one night, he had told me that if your still around when i'm out of the navy we might work then. Can we all say cocky jackass whom only cares about himself or what??? well I am not and did not wait for him. i moved on and fell in love with my best friend Cody Weatherly instead. Hes a good choice wonderful person. He even told me he loved me too but nope, he would never date me. Hell if I know. But I still love the kid to death, but Ive slowly fell out of love with him. we do't talk much anymore, we have pretty different lives but oh well. So i'm with Manny now, If he would grow up he would be perfect, but I hate waiting for him to grow up. I hate he lies to me all the time. just breaks my heart over and over. But I don't know what else to do. I'm moving to fast and i need to slow things back down, before i get myself in to trouble. I know Manny is the right now, I felt it when he kissed me the first time. But i want more from him, I know thats sounds bad. and Lord i'm sorry for it, but help his and is path cross and run in to one, help him grow up and take responsible. Please lord help me. Im lost and cant find my way and i keep screwing up even more, I trust in you so please help me

Letting Go Of You

Letting Go
Its about time that I say goodbye
And realize that you have to stay simply the twinkle in my eye
They say you always want what you can’t have
And in my heart I knew the whole time.

I read one day, the forbidden fruit taste the sweetest
Each kiss bittersweet of what I wanted most
And I really meant every word I stuttered without a test
You were my very best, but its time I give my broken heart a rest

I am strong enough to let you go
And live your life in some way I’ll never know
We say goodbye now as quickly as we said hello
This end will be the beginning of just what I still don’t know.

Until now I never knew you could lose something you never had

You belong to someone I will never know
You are not your own
This beautiful creation whom I will never again embrace
How could you steal my heart when you knew the path you’d have to take?

This is the end of something unbelievable
And the beginning of my life

You are not what I am leaving behind, for you will follow me in my walk I know
You do not leave what you love
You simply let it go.

If you only knew..

I love you.
I love the way you touch my skin or the way you make me laugh.
Or how your the only person I know that never judges me.
Or how when I cry you always hold me and wont let go.
How you say you love me.
Ot how when we play fight you never let me win.
But just tickle me and make me laugh instead.
I trusted you when I trusted no one else.
I gave you everything I had and more, just to be hurt in the end.
But I cant stop this feeling I have when you say your sorry and wont do it again.
As tears run down my face as you call me your baby bear, I wonder if one day I will trust you enough to want you back as my honey bear.
I want my bestfriend back... i want the truth and you to be honest with me.
You always knew to be faithful and honest was the key.
Then you just gave up and left.
Without even telling me why, When you did my heart dropped like it was ready to die.
But now Im strong and ready for this.
Somehow I know everything will be fine when we kiss.
So this is my promise that I will try.
For I love you and I miss you and always will.
Forever always with love your baby bear. JPW<3

Forget Him

Forget his name

Forget his face

Forget his kiss

His warm embrace

Forget the love that you once knew

Remember that he has someone new

Forget him when they played your song

Remember when you cried all night long

Forget how close you once were

Remember he has chosen her

Forget how you memorized his walk

Forget the way he used to talk

Forget the things he used to say

Remember he has gone away

Forget his laugh Forget his grin

Forget the dimples on his chin

Forget the way he held you tight

Remember he's with her tonight

Forget the time that went so fast

Forget the love that moved, it's past

Forget he said he'd leave you never

Remember he's gone forever