Hating my body.

I looked in the bathroom mirror today with disgust. Every part of me is so fat. I hate my body. but hating it so much makes it worse. Ive tried losing weight, but I can't idk what it is. I'm addicted to food and to using it as a cover up for me hating my life. I hate shopping for clothes, not only so I walk funny but Im also fat. I dont know how anyone could love me... Im so gross. I try not to eat but I cant help myself. I loved being thin in high school... loved it. But now I hate my body. I waddle and my pants and shirts are huge so they wont sink in to every crease and lump I have. why did god choose me to have this life, everything is wrong with me. Why cant i be Barbie with the killer body all the guys want. Instead i get made fun of and felt bad for so guys fuck me and then leave. life nothing ever happened. im worthless..

EX:

EX's.....


That word is in every man/womans vocabulary across the world. EX: Although only two letters, it can cut you deeper then when cutting an apple and missing it and slicing your finger off. The worse part is when you think your over them and it comes back and slaps you in the face like the ocean on the beach. Slowly taking sand back with it to forever stay at the bottom on the ocean floor. All the sudden you see your EX, and a rush of feelings take over your body, and the police wonder why people kill their ex's... Think about it Mr. Police Officer. Gosh the worse part is your EX does not care how your feeling, no instead they stay where they are and pretend like everything is fine. Hmmmm... I wonder if my EX was thinking that as he was screwing another girl, whom was named after a car may I add. Did he think how it was going to affect me in any way?? No, although he did say the "cheating" started by talking about me.. I don't know if I should feel good or bad about that. The thought of him actually thinking about me was pleasant, until, he added then we "just started kissing and then it just happened" How does something like that happen?? It is not like flicking on a light or tying your shoe... Oh no something like this is choose to act on. There comes a time to any normal human when temptations come in to play, you either cave in or you turn away.

So whats harder? Not feeling anything or feeling to much?? Well lets look in to them shall we?


Not Feeling Anything: Why should you the other person did wrong.. Well honestly that is the dumbest saying ever. One person does not mess everything up no matter what you may think. just like everything else in the life it takes to tango.. Take my EX, Joe. And yes that is his name.. Joe and I had a very unreal relationship.. Which in the end he cheated on me with a car ( read above if your only skimming thru . But lets look back a couple of months before hand, Not saying it was all my fault but i had a part in it. Earlier in the year I had a miscarriage, In which I did not tell Joe about until I had actually lost the baby. I did nothing to harm the baby at all for all of you thinking I did. My body just like other women out there had rejected the baby. I became very outside myself. by that I mean, I crawled in to a very low low low hole and did not come out. I only trusted myself and I was mad at everyone but mainly God. I did not understand how anyone could do that to me. Well me being like this caused tension on the relationship. I became a different person, I was mad at everyone, and Joe was in the fire zone, we fought all the time I annoyed him all the time. No saying what Joe did was an excuse, because by far I could have shot him right there :). But my actions played a part.


What if you feel To MUCH: Well honey your human. You need to find a balance in your life. For me I looked to GOD. I looked to my friends and family. But mainly God, Because no matter what I said to him in my very slowest moments, he was always there arms wide open to hold me and love me while I cried like pouring rain. Balance is key to a happy life..


" EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON "

Live by it and embrace it. Because no Matter what your EX was or did your better then that. You moved on your wanted to at the time or not. Don't let another being take over your life, love for you. If you want that extra scoop of ice-cream then eat it. If you want to cut your flipping hair then do it, its yours! And I promise it will grow back sometime. So don't let the word EX consume you, even when you see him/ or her with someone new and your body gets rushed with so many emotions you just wanna break down and cry. Well don't look up and thank God for letting you move on from the loser, it takes time but is worth it in the end.


peace&love2all
penguin

Im not sure why the little things are the worse to hear,

I really don't understand people or life. Or god really. They say god has a path for you, Well i would really enjoy knowing why he choose the path he did. now overall I think Im a good person. Im caring, understanding and thoughtful of others. Im always helping people out even when my brain tells me not to. But I also have my flaws. Im bossy, to blunt, and at times very OCD about things. But I'm me not perfect but me overall. And with knowing my past... I wonder why he choose what my path would turn out to be. By far my childhood was not perfect, and well my teens years were awkward until I found some friends and joined the so-called "popular group". A bunch of "country" kids who hung out by the door but hey they sat together at lunch.So I then started college, hell more like it. I'm not stupid but college is for some people and working full time with no vacation are for others. Well I was more of the I was so spoiled that i got my first actual job when i was like 20, other then that mommy daddy, and auntie payed for everything. not that i'm proud of this at all, but it goes with my story. So after i started working i payed for everything then, anything i wanted plus putting a brand new transmission in my dads truck and helping pay things while paying my own bills. Well after i started working i also discovered boys, haha. Let me tell you was i ever a wild child my first year of college, there were nights where i did not sleep for two or three days, staying out all nights sleeping all day drinking all the time. Life was hell, I stopped working and was so very lazy. I did nothing but spend money and flirt with guys. And did I ever use guys. Ive had so many boyfriends that i even lose count. Really how stupid could one person be???.... But Karma soon caught up. when I got into my first serious relationship was awful it was to this kid named Joe, and Joe was in the Navy. i think i was more into being a navy girlfriend, then actually caring what he had to say most the time. and when i actually started caring then it was to late, so we again broke up. But then I met Scotty soules. talk about the biggest waste of time of my life. Scotty should go to hell. yeah i know i know i sounds mean, but after Scotty and i got engaged it started. First he would rape me and then convince me it was my fault. like i brought it upon myself because i made him do it because i would not have sex. But when he started hitting me i thought it was over, but no instead i stayed, and let him keep doing whatever he wanted to me. i gained over 50 pounds just so when he hit me it would not hurt as bad, but he would only do it on my stomach and legs where no one would see unless they striped me down naked. finally i came home and had enough support to send him home and never to talk to him again. he used to cheat on me all the time, like i did not give up enough, talk about being someones dog. So I then got back together with Joe for the 2nd time. and this time was better he helped me get thru what Scotty did. But then in February I found out i was pregnant with Joe's baby. You know for being so in love with Joe i could not even tell him I was pregnant with his baby. Nope instead I waited...waited...and waited some more and right before i was about to tell him, I ended up rushing to the ER because I was having a miscarriage. Yup once again GOD had a plan and instead of just embracing him i blamed him instead. But he was still there. Joe and i ended up breaking up 2 months later.I kinda killed it on dating for a bit, but then i found Ryan, and boy was I ever happy. Ryan was one of a kind, he was smart, and funny. Loved everything about me. WE did so many new things together, Ryan was a wonderful person and i'm still good friends with him.While i was hanging with Ryan one weekend, i woke up to a voice mail from Joe my ex. it was saying that he had cheated on me with this skinny Asian chick and could no longer live with himself. So I simply asked why... I don't know who the idiot was that came up with the word why but it gets me in a lot of trouble. But anyways i just had to know why he did it. Well Joe and I were fighting A LOT. And apparently he went over to talk to this friend about his and I relationship and somehow ended up fucking on her bed. Well poor you honey because he sucks in bed!!! That was the very first time in my life that I called my very best friend Nicki crying, about how Joe broke my heart yet again!! i have never been that hurt in my entire life, I'm still hurt by it and yet i think I will always love him. Some path you have for me god. Brokenhearted I can get but why like that?? What did I do to deserve that? But somehow i tend to pick losers and through it all I still wanted to be with him, instead when we talked one night, he had told me that if your still around when i'm out of the navy we might work then. Can we all say cocky jackass whom only cares about himself or what??? well I am not and did not wait for him. i moved on and fell in love with my best friend Cody Weatherly instead. Hes a good choice wonderful person. He even told me he loved me too but nope, he would never date me. Hell if I know. But I still love the kid to death, but Ive slowly fell out of love with him. we do't talk much anymore, we have pretty different lives but oh well. So i'm with Manny now, If he would grow up he would be perfect, but I hate waiting for him to grow up. I hate he lies to me all the time. just breaks my heart over and over. But I don't know what else to do. I'm moving to fast and i need to slow things back down, before i get myself in to trouble. I know Manny is the right now, I felt it when he kissed me the first time. But i want more from him, I know thats sounds bad. and Lord i'm sorry for it, but help his and is path cross and run in to one, help him grow up and take responsible. Please lord help me. Im lost and cant find my way and i keep screwing up even more, I trust in you so please help me