WHY whys?

Sometimes I wonder why, Why did I say this? or why did I do that?

Well when will the whys stop? When Will Everything just be enough for me?
I having a wonderful family.. they are great. Plus I have the worlds most amazing boyfriend. But sometimes I wonder when will it all be enough for me?

i have so many thoughts going thru my head that Its crazy in here. Thoughts about everything, Life, Death, Being alone. Or even if I really am going crazy or not. Sometimes I stay up for days because I can't sleep with everything going on in my head. All about the whys. Like: Gosh why did i say that? I knew it was going to hurt her. Or why did I even open my mouth at all? Kassie your a bitch shut up already, your only digging yourself a greater hole in life.

I sometimes hate that I'm hard to understand when trying to get my point across. I say one thing and mean something WAY different. I put myself in to these situations having no outcome that will be good. Its easier for me to push others away. because I'm not good enough, I'm all sorts of messed up. When you have suicidal thoughts, but you know for a fact you would never be able to go thru it. When think them in the first place then?

Because somehow the life I've made up in my head is by far better then my reality. In my head, I'm perfect in a sense, and yes before you go on about there is no such thing as perfect let me explain what I mean.

I'm not saying I'M perfect, I'm saying the outcomes would be easier. The world in my head is easier to understand and to be in then the one I deal with always. I have CMT and psoriasis. So not only to I walk like a penguin, I'm also spotted.

I don't even find myself to be good enough. I fall in love way to easy and mess my life up, And what do I always come back to.....WHY??

In my own way I've come to terms with myself. But I still have doubts of others including my own family. I'm not saying it to be mean, but what if i was normal-er. Would things be different would I have turned out different,m actually giving them something to be proud of? WHY can't this be so?

There is nothing that is ever good enough for me, So I wonder why all the time...
Why not this, and Why not that. Why can't my head calm down enough for me to have a day to myself.. Why can't it calm down enough for me to get any sleep at night..

People always ask why I'm different, I tell them I don't know all the time. Its not the fact that I don't wish to discuss its that They would never understand if I tried to tell them, They know nothing of what I'm talking about..